The Baajuhut Guide to Mumbai

Good evening, or as Snow White said to the Seven Dwarves – Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello.

You are doing well, I hope? Good good. The colour’s definitely returned to your cheeks – no doubt a result of the magnificent psychedelic toilet paper you are so fond of. And I see you’ve done your hair up much like I do mine. We really are toupees in a pod now, aren’t we?

Anyway, we really should get started. The Arrow of time is moving ever-forward, and the Van Heusens of Shoppers Stop are finding it really hard to keep up. Today, I will show you around the famous city of Mumbai, a place I called Home for ten years because I couldn’t keep up with all the name changes. It’s a lovely city with a rich, cultural history and a remarkable array of varied vegetation. It really does grow on you – though the Municipal Corporation assures us that their new sprays are working perfectly.

Mumbai is, like New York, a largely north-south city. This has immensely inconvenienced parties as diverse as the local taxi-wallahs, the utilities companies and the sun. It was originally a group of seven large islands, but a series of reclamations have joined them together. One of the smaller islands, Elephanta, is well-known for its beautiful caves and is said to be the abode of both Lord Shiva and Dumbo. The sad, dilapidated condition of this historical site has moved many visitors to tears, with most unable to say much more than a wistful “Tusk! Tusk!”

The city is also known the center of commerce, or more specifically, ‘Me’. The financial capital of the country, it houses the oldest stock exchange in Asia. A large number of businesses, small and large, work together in perfect harmony to provide employment to millions. One of the earliest flourishing trades was that of paraffin wax, with the stuff being exported to places as far as Persia and Egypt. With the discovery of kerosene as a cost-efficient source of light and fuel, however, the demand saw a dramatic decline and manufacturers soon had wax coming out of their ears. These days, candles are used only during the frequent electricity black-outs. This gets quite messy, so the man of the house generally volunteers to clean the stains and wax off in the dark.

Home to ‘Bollywood’, the massive Hindi film industry, Bombay is also the cultural hub of the nation. Thousands of musicians, actors and media bigwigs move to the city every year with hopes of striking the right note, pose and unsuspecting passer-by respectively. While the film industry deservedly gets the lions-share of the attention, few know that the music business is extremely profitable and vibrant as well. In fact, over the last few months an Indian music director, A. R. Rahman, has managed two Oscar awards, four national awards and a surprise number one in Sweden¹. Another very popular musical artiste is the singer Alisha ‘Baby Doll’ Chinai, whose compositions have a distinct Middle Eastern influence (mostly Shiite). The outspoken Ms. Chinai is a creature of controversy, unaffected by media criticism. In fact, she was once had to suffer through a whole week of debasement, from which she emerged quite unscathed, stating that she finds “de room under de ground floor to be a most comfortable place”.

Mumbai is, like most metropolises, a city of flamboyance and warmth, and has done much to improve the living conditions of its citizens. It is, in fact, often compared to the safe, modern and connected city of London, differing from the British capital in only three respects.

You might require a map of the city to help you get around. There are many different versions floating around, but this is the only one you’ll really need.

 

I do hope you have found this useful. I, too, have enjoyed your company. Tata.

 

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¹ Cold weather often does that to him

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